Hero made my blood boil!

I called him because I needed him to do something. He never called back until I called and left a message where it was too late and I was crying. Then he called all cocky like. He loves to push my buttons, I am such a sucker for letting him do it though. He claims he was busy. Yeah right, all you do is smoke and sleep. So kill that. Plus he never called to check to see that I made it home safe. What a jerk. What is his purpose? To prove he doesn't care about me? Well he needs to cut all of the actions that say otherwise. I feel like I am trying to stick it out because I was wrong this last time and he loves to ride my guilt trip train for as long as he can. I am used to it but this time, it is boring me to death. He is so scary and fake, scared to show his friends and family that the recent incident did not come between us. Although, it knocked us back like a billion steps, real love endures and we'll probably be friends forever.

I don't wanna

I dont want my sex to make Hero stick around, I thought I did. I hope its more than that. I don't want to manipulate people or situations anymore. Too good at it and now I don't know whats real around me. I don't want to be concerned with anybody else Hero is dating, I only wanna focus on us. I don't want to have to do more than two semesters of school after this. I don't want "The Rapper" to be so busy. I don't want to stay at my job. I don't want my license to be suspended (I got a letter yesterday). I don't want my fat belly.

They won't go away

Technology rules my heart 'cause I keep having to blog about ringtones. (see Love Tones and Fuck That). I always knew I was a true victim of an MTV world. By the way, My Super Sweet Sixteen is creeping up my favorite show list. These young bitches are rich and out of control and completely oblivious to the real world. I am kinda jealous. But anyway, back to the ringtones. I am about to cowgirl Hero when his phone blast "My Cheri A'more" (I have no idea if thats the right spelling or the right amount of words of even the right language). I was pissed to say the least. I looked him in his eye and asked if he loved someone. He said "No, thats my ring for all text messages, wanna see?". I said "No." The damage was done. Plus I barely belived him anyway. Then later I found out my number wasn't even saved in his phone anymore. I missed being a cool song. Even though when I am mad at him, his name changes in my phone from Hero to his government name. And once when I was really mad, I took him out totally. We are both dumb for that though, cause whats the point of deleting something we can dial handcuffed and blindfolded. But anyway my ringtones as of today are

Regular - Bow Wow and Ciara ( I love the melody)
Family- Kanye West - Family Business
My Boss- Kanye West- Spaceship (I am getting his new CD today)
Hero - Keyshia Cole - I just Want It To Be Over
"The Rapper"- Jadakiss- The Champ is Here
"Male Friends"- The Roots - Coming To Break You Off
Friends- Musiq- Soulstar
Private - Girl Fight! (I don't even know who sings this wack ass song)

Emancipation of Me Me

I went to visit Hero, on the four hour drive home, I freed my spirit. I couldn’t make any concise decisions about how the trip affected our relationship. It’s good that we can talk again, and it was good to see him. I got all cute for him and stuff but when I got there he was drunk and we sweated my hair out ASAP, so the cute thing didn’t last long. We avoided any conversations about us or the recent incident. That was good ‘cause we didn’t argue but I didn’t like the feeling of tip-toeing around. Not that I had much to say. He didn’t wanna leave me alone in his house. What is that he thinks I can find worse than him at the movies with a slut that looks like Tyrese with blondish-green dreads that start mid-head? Little does he know, I never snoop around his house. That’s not my style. Not that I am not nosey but, that’s not on my list of things to do. Anyway let’s see, the sex was good, fast, but good, he works harder at it now. I wondered if it is because he has experienced new lovers or is he trying to compete with my new lovers? Whenever we were doing it, I had to put a lot of effort into not thinking about the other girls in his life. I hate having to feel brand new with MY Hero. He took me to my favorite restaurant. I might be really happy about this ‘cause I explained that it was important to me for him to take me out. But I don’t know, ‘cause maybe that’s just what he wanted to eat. He avoided any intimacy or romance. Except that our kisses were passionate like they used to be. I don’t know. Nothing about the visit moved me in any particular direction about Hero. Whenever I am driving away from him though, I always feel soo apathetic. Like as long as we just had some good sex, and we aren’t mad at each other, it doesn’t matter if I ever talk to him again. I just never want us to hate each other. Its always my strongest moments concerning him, I turn the music up so loud that I can’t hear anything else and I empty the Hero out of my heart. I thought about how hurt "The Rapper" was when he called and I told him I was on my way out of town. I never heard sadness in his voice before. It damned near brought tears to my eyes as he said “You going to get you some huh?, There is no way you can tell me you are driving out of town in the middle of the night for anything else.” I didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know he cared. I had been trying to get up with him for the past few nights and of course, as I am on my way to see Hero, he calls and invites me over. I feel really sorry, not for going but just for not knowing that he would care. This just got way too long. The other stuff can wait.

School

I just met with my advisor at school. I have 18 credit hours til graduation. Thats like one semester. Exciting. Last night I left a msg. for Hero, I told him that I miss and love him. I don't know if he knew this already 'cause it's been a while since I expressed it. Even though I told him these things, I still have no idea what I want from him. He said that he misses me some days. Thats good, I guess. I really hope I don't have to drive out of town for that speeding ticket situation. Thats way too much time, gas and money. Even though school has been in session less than a week, I feel the pressure already. Last night, I started on some homework, it totaled like 100 pages of reading. I don't think professors realize that their course is not your only course. As I see it now, I have 2 easy courses, 2 okay courses and 1 course that is going to kick my ass.

A not so brief update

So much has happened since the 3 Men and A Lady blog. Let me see…

I finally got my apology across to Hero. I had to let him read my blog to get him to understand the way I feel. He called after that. Apparently upset that I wrote about him like he was, “just some nigga to write on the internet about”. Uh, no, obviously, he is way more important to me than anybody else he saw on here. As I looked over all of the blogs and reflected, I never had anything really bad to say about him. But anyway he apologized for wildin’ out about the blog. I thought all was kinda cool, but now, he won’t talk to me. I really need him to though cause I may have to go to his city for court for a speeding ticket. But we’ll see. I wonder if I should move my blog now hat the knows the URL. ‘Cause I am not trying to be censored.

“The Rapper” and I made up since the whole hanging up thing. I may as well stop writing about our fights cause they always turn out to be nothing. We’ve hung out a lot since then. I keep seeing him at the club. The last time I saw him, he was talking to this one tacky midget for a long time. He keep signaling me to come over to him, but I made him wait. Once I finally went over, he was trying to hug and kiss all on me. He likes to play games; cause he knew the midget was watching. He is not even the huggy-kissy type so I said “Don’t try to use me to make your girlfriend jealous”. He said that I was just trying to make something out of nothing and that was not his intention. Anyway, one night, I purposely worked my magic on him. He seriously honestly and literally called my phone 15 times the next day. He said “You are a dangerous individual, and now I feel like I am sweating you, as a matter of fact, I know that I like you more than you like me”. I love turning the tables. He also said “No one has ever made me feel like that, ever, no pussy, no head, no nothing.” Get off me. Also, one night, he said that he felt like he was under a lot of pressure . He said that even though I don’t ask him for much, he is beginning to feel like he owes me something. “I like you a lot and you like me a lot so naturally as we spend time together, the boyfriend role is going to come up, I wish I could ask you not to share but I can‘t ‘cause I know I can‘t be there for you the way I would like to.” I don’t know if this is game or not, so I won’t hold my breath. Honestly, I would like to spend more time with him, but I try to remain patient thru his travels, studio time, photo shoots and the likewise.

The fall semester has started. I was apathetic about it but now I feel kinda excited. I am going to make every attempt to get a 4.0 this semester. I am excited that I know somebody in all of my classes except one. That’s never really happened before. Since I am enrolled for 17 credit hours, I won’t be able to work as much. I need a tip-drill or I need my mom’s help. ‘Cause my bills are full-time while my checks are the exact opposite. I saw this girl at school today. She was mostly overdressed but the outfit was kinda cute. At first, I was laughing at her until I saw she had this bad Chanel bag. Small, white, leather with a gold emblem. So then she earned some points back-I was like oh, she might know a lil’ something, Then the cow opened her mouth. She had the thickest “country grammar” accent ever. Everything about her speech was just wrong and embarrassing. I hate her. I have one gay teacher and one gay T.A. and an African teacher too. Then there’s the peppy Spanish teacher and the average Joe English teacher. I hope school is going well for Hero.

I bought an IPOD. I programmed some Lyfe, Mariah Carey, HELLA Young Jeezy, Destiny’s Child, Kem, “The Rapper” (of course), and some other stuff. It’s my new favorite thing.

I went to a ghetto fest, I mean a wedding. I’ll try not to speak too badly about it. Just two things. (1) The wedding party marched in to LYFE, MUST BE NICE. I know, I know. That’s not the saddest part though. Now, although the chorus of this song is “Even when your hustling days are gone, she’ll be by your side still holding on and even when those twenties stop spinning and all those gold digging women disappear, she’ll still be here.” Well if anybody goes digging for this grooms gold, they may as well forget it. Seriously, (2) the guest had to put money together at the last minute to pay for the reception hall while the bride stood around crying and the chicken was getting cold in somebody’s backseat.

Dear God,

Bring him back. I want my Hero back. I want him back to who he was. I want me back to who I was . God, I know you understand what I am saying. Please God, teach me to control my actions. And if I can’t have my Hero back, then please God, take him out of my heart. God, make him know that I am sorry. Let him know that I would give more than I have to take that night back. Tell him though God, that my feelings are hurt. Tell him that I am confused. Let him know God, that I miss him. Please God, heal my broken heart and spirit. Forgive me God. You know that I am sorry. On tomorrow, God, I don’t want to miss him anymore. I don’t want to be overwhelmed with guilt God. Some days you know I pray that he is my husband one day. If he is who you created for me then God I stand on you and trust that this too shall pass.

Nasty stuff

I just left the emergency room. 'Cause my vagina was hurting. Turns out, there is no explaination. No UTI, no STD, not even a yeast infection. Sorry you had to know that. But the good news is, it was nothing. But thats just the backstory. The happenings for the night are "the feet of a beast". Okay, I saw this lady. While the majority of her outer appearance seemed to be well-groomed and hinted to some thought being involved, I was able to see to her core. I know her type, throw on a decent looking outfit that may even be clean but underneath you are a deadbeat mom that did not wash you ass. Before I could reprimand myself on being judgemental, I found out I was right. Keeping in mind she was built small at the bottom and large at the top, like a Tootsie Pop. She tried to pull off this, I have class look. She had on mostly black with some trendy earrings and a pink faux-flower in her hair. Her kids however, dirty and unkept as the day is long. Clothes were either too small, too dirty, too dingy, too raggedy or various combinations of all of the above. I still shouldn't judge right?Until, I saw her feet. The nastiest, most they need to create an new word in the dictionary for these ten toes, ass sight I ever saw. I seriously would not allow her to walk in my house with socks and Timberlands on. Nevermind, it is not worth it. She disgusts me.

Monday

Me and the rapper made up via text messaging. Its getting close to the time for school to start. I am slacking something terrible. I don't even have my financial aid stuff in place. My attitude towards school is becoming increasingly apathetic. I am like graduate or bust! One of my really good friends is upset with me because she said I am "Fake and all that you want to do is hang with your other friends." She'll get over it. She always does. I always find myself in friendships with girls that need a lot of attention. A few too many people threw salt on my solo dolo game today. I like my only worry to be me. I like to have an ultra-flexible schedule. I don't have any kids and no real obligations. People need to realize that this is not chance...It's my choice. It is the exact reason that I only choose jobs that are always off on weekends and holidays. It is the exact reason that rubber in the main ingredient in my relationships with "The Rapper".(Even though he wants to have sex far too infrequent for my appetite) But, the moral is I use protection cause I don't want any kids or any other dependents for that matter. But today, my grandmother asked to use my car. She was 15 minutes late picking me up and that really pissed me off. Then I ended up having to take my friends daughter and my niece home. People should know by now not to obligate me to any thing without clear concise discussion. I got over it pretty quickly but I didn't like it at all.

3 Men and a Lady!

Hero has been acting kinda flaky. A little less attentive than I expected. But it’s cool. I know him and I know that this is just his way of trying to keep our distance. But enough of that. I am soo mad at “The Rapper”. Yesterday he was saying that he was going to buy a new bed. He made a comment that all it needed to do was fit him. I jokingly said, what about me. In one way or another, he said “What about you”. So, I jokingly hung up. Now he won’t talk to me. I called him and he won’t answer. I even sent text messages. Oh well , maybe if I just chalk it up as a lose, he will call soon. Like last time when I thought we wouldn’t talk anymore. UGHHH, he always has to take everything too far. Doesn’t he know that I am supposed to have the last laugh? That’s okay, cause he’ll miss me if I don’t come to his performance this week. Outside of him, TF is gay and he has been driving me crazy. Regardless of what I say I would like to do as far as a date, he always ends up at “Why don’t we just get DVD’s and chill at your crib?” NO, hell no. Hell Motherfucking no. So after a few attempts to shake him, after I realized he talked more shit than a horse diaper, I hit the fan. I said “No, this is my space, this is what I work hard for, if you would like to spend time with me, take me some damn where, you and I are not about to be booed up in my motherfucking house and I barely know you!!!" He was like “Yeah, okay, I’ll call you later”. Sounds like the end huh? Guess what, HE CALLED AGAIN! What the hizell is wrong with him? I have never encountered this personality type before. He literally brags 99% of his life away and has nothing to show for it. It would be cool for us to chill at my house if he was at least half way real about anything he says. But instead he is trying to slick a can of oil “See I want us to have that one on one time, I am really interested in getting to know you and I don’t think we can do that at the movies, I understand that you wanna go out and be in the light, but I’m just trying to chill with you.” I want to throw up in your mouth! Your game is completely under whelming. To end it off. “Rapper”, call me boo, I miss you! (My ghetto rendition of a rappers girlfriend)

All you gotta do is ask...

As usual, I was on the phone with "The Rapper" into the wee hours of the a.m. We have stimulating conversations. We laugh a lot. I love to go back and forth with him cause as much as he makes me smile, I can hear his voice change when I make him smile. I don't get this feeling from anybody else I know. I used to with Hero. But that died and is only resuscitated every now and then. “The Rapper” internalizes everything that I say. That’s a rare occurrence with men. Usually everything is in one ear and out of the other in miliseconds. But anyway, this particular night, he asked "If you had one wish, what would it be”. I said “I wish that my lil’ sister could talk”. He said “really?” and then told me that he wished he could know everything. He said that he would take on certain jobs for like a year , just cause he could. This is how he "would stack his paper". Like, being an architect. He never asked me to go into detail about my lil’ sister. I didn’t know which direction to go in with this. Maybe he doesn’t care. Maybe he thinks I don’t like to or wouldn’t want to talk about it with him. But I would. We have grown close really quick and I would feel totally comfortable expressing my emotions concerning my sister. He would be a good candidate to hear about the times that I have been mad at God for depriving the most perfect person that I know of words. I would tell him that I am afraid to pray for her because if my prayers went unanswered I wouldn’t know how to deal. If he asked, I would tell him that I would give me life in full or in part just for her to have words. My sister was born with Cerebral Palsy and is unable to walk or talk. Her mind and all of her senses are as sharp as Ginsu knives though. I love her more than anybody on Earth, parents and self included. She is the only person I know that is always happy. That is unless somebody close to her is sad, or she is feeling jealous because our Dad (these two are inseparable) is giving another daughter too much attention. She can sense my deepest realst feelings and she always knows just how to react to make me feel better. “The Rapper” knows that I am silly but would he believe me if I told him how I act like a complete buffoon just to make her laugh until she runs out of breathe? I love my sister.

“Rapper” you’ve crossed into my circle so whatever you wanna know, just ask. But then again, like I said, maybe he doesn’t care.

Hero saves the DAY!

I had a horrible experience this morning. So horrible that my hands are unwilling to type about it. So anyway I called Hero and told him about it. I told him that I wanted to come visit him to make me feel better. He said okay. Then later he called and was like "I'm on the way to your house". Surprise, he had just got to town, he claimed on some mix-tape shit. His first stop was to see me. He looked really sexy, he has lost so much weight. He said that I looked cute even though I was bed-headed in pajamas. It went down (as expected). He said that he was feeling kinda akward but that he missed and wanted me still. So I gave him a lil something something. Made him say my name and stuff, the usual. It felt okay, I couldn't feel the emotions that I used to so that made it weird. Felt good to be able to put it down like I like to. I havent reached that level of comfort with "The Rapper" yet. After we were done, he didn't stay around long. I knew he wouldn't, plus I had things to do anyway. But I was kinda mad that he tried to cheek me afterwards on a kiss. Yeah, Ok, Hero. I am amused that he thinks he is having his cake and eating it to by hitting this but not being commited. UH NO! See the thing is, I put in serious work in the bedrooom with this man. He cannot resist it. Never has, never will. So while he thinks he's playing me; I am drawing him in more and more, little by little. Not that I want him, but I am convinced (not to mention he said it), that no one can do my Hero like me. For real, considering the list of the things that I have put him thru, the fact that he still comes back anxious as ever, must mean something. Right? But all and all it erased my bad morning and made me smile. Hero is going back to school tomorrow. I wanna go with him but, I miss "The Rapper" and hope to spend time with him this weekend. There has never been a time in my life when I wasn't sexually monogamous. I feel a strong desire to make a choice. I guess if I don't go back with Hero tomorrow, I'll cut off his pussy privalages. The hardest decision I'll ever make 'cause thats how I keep my potential, sometimes hopeful, future husband on lock!

The claim game!

Come to find out, “The Rapper” thought I was serious when I said “Don’t answer and see what happens.” So he didn’t answer to call my bluff. I think that’s pretty lame. But we talked thru it. And we moved on. Very far actually. He had to go out of town for a while. He actually asked me not to “Cheat on him”. What the hizell are you talking abut rapper? You can’t even be straight forward with me about your feeling even though they are still obvious. But for example, the other day, he laid right next to me and our conversation went like this. Me: “I like you”. Him: “I like you too; actually I like a lot of people, and a lot of people like me.” But now you saying “Don’t cheat”. So I brought that up. And he said, “Yeah but I don’t like anybody like I like you. Not as far as being in a relationship”. Really? That’s cool. He also asked me about T.F. (“the nigga that called yo’ phone at 1:30 am”) He told me to go ahead and cut him off. He kept going on about how much he liked me and how he didn’t want me to give anyone else any attention. But then whenever I told him to do the same, he would turn back into a joke... like “Oh no, I can still do what I want but you can’t”. He wants to claim the prize! We never came to any conclusions. But oh well. Excuse me, and I know I am late, but this Lyfe CD is the truth.

I don't know how to take this

A very big part of my personality is understanding all of the people (motives and personality) and situations around me. It is the most uncomfortable feeling for me to let anything go over my head. Which is why I am so distraught right now. See, I talked to Hero yesterday. I called him when I was feeling sad. I left a msg and he called back. He consoled me about my situation and everything went smooth. I could tell from his word choice and tone that he misses me. After I pulled that ghetto baby mama (even though I don’t have kids) drama, I thought he was done with me. I cannot fathom why he let that slide, especially so quickly. My guesses are –

1. the ex-girlfriend is less than important to him,
2. he thinks I am crazy and is scared of what I might do,
3. he wants to play me out by talking to both of us or hopefully,
4. he misses and loves me without regard just as I do him.

Whatever the case is, I really wanna know. Hero, what are you doing with my heart?