The Big O is a Big No

There is no way to sugar coat this, so I'll just say it. I am afraid to orgasm. That lack of control scares me to no end. Why? Idk..lol. Maybe because I worry alot about how I look and sound when I'm in the act. I don't wanna frown up or growl or something even worse. That couldn't be the only reason though. 'Cause if that were the case I would masturbate and orgasm in private. But I don't, in fact, I never have. Isn't that crazy? I'm a very sexual person. I don't need a lot of sex. But I need good sex. When I'm not with someone I rarely if ever, get horny. But when I am with someone, I like it often and dirty. So the fact that I don't crave, seek or enjoy orgasms is baffling. It has to be deeper than just image right? I think deep down, I don't feel i deserve orgasms.