Conflicting behavior

I was thinking about the title of my blog and how I really wanted to go back to what it used to be. But how I had to change it ‘cause I’d let Hero in on the URL. I guess it doesn’t matter much-except that I hope I didn’t have any faithful readers who are lost without me. Anyway, why am I BrownDays? ‘Cause that’s how my days are. Colors are hard to define except their make-up. Like yellow and blue makes green. Or emotions that are associated with them like I’m feeling blue or gray. But brown is soo in between. Just like me. I’m just so all over the place without any true definition. Lately, I begin to search for myself. This cliché always seemed so damned stupid for me. Because who can you be besides you right? I mean regardless of what I am doing, I’m doing it, so therefore that’s me. Like even if I am doing something I really don’t want to do, something completely out of my element then, it’s still me, because I am the one that’s doing it. Like, I have close friends that are attorneys or friends that are total nerds but then I have friends that live in the projects who are 21, with four babies. Or how I go to school three days per week, perform brilliantly in class and on tests and especially with essays but I go to the most urban clubs ever and get drunk and act a fool on the weekend. Too, how I think marijuana is lame and usually leads to disaster but I always end up in relationships with serious pot-heads. How, I go to my corporate internship, and fit in perfectly, dress and all. But then end up fighting some girl over Hero. Who in the hell am I? Am I leading two lives or am I just complex. Or, is this normal? Or am I like bi-polar or suffering from multiple personalities? All of the guys I meet love me at first ‘cause of my intellect or my "high as my current budget can afford" style. They always call me “county girl”. Where I’m from this means you are stuck-up and basically out of touch with the average black or urban community. Then once they get to know me, they realize I’m a neat combination of “county and city”. They like that even more. If you listened to the CD playing in my car, today, you would never guess that my favorite store is Banana Republic. Or Urban Outfitters, or Gap. And that I probably would never wear Roc-A Wear or G-Unit or Air Force One’s. Maybe my style is just suburban but I’m really a project chick at heart. Never lived in the projects, never really lived in the ghetto. Went to mixed magnet schools my whole life. It’s not just the urban vs. suburban drama that I am dealing with. Im conflicted in other areas too. Like how I feel like I am living outside of myself. Watching me sulk over Hero, who I haven’t talked to in over a week. But at the exact same moment knowing how bad I don’t want him. What’s that all about?