How horrible is it that...?

I’m in love with a preacher (sang to the tune of T-Pain’s “I’m In Love With A Stripper”). How horrible is it that that my infatuation with a bishop is one of the things I discovered on my Memorial Day trip to Chicago? I also discovered, well decided, that I have to move back to Chicago. As soon as I got to walking down Michigan Avenue, I felt so at home. So before June 7^th , I am going to have a completed graduate application on file at Columbia College Chicago. My application has to include a personal essay, explaining my professional goals. Uh, I don’t know, if I was certain about what I wanted to do professionally, I wouldn't waste two more years of my life in school. I am just using grad school as an in the meantime, in between time kinda jig ‘cause I don’t know what I wanna do. So anyway, back to the preacher. How horrible is it really, to wanna marry a married preacher? I am sure that’s related to a cardinal sin. He is not even that hot physically, well slightly but it’s just his person. I wanna be his wife. Okay no I don’t. I could never be the first lady of a church ‘cause people will be forever judging me and forever trying to get my young hot smart spiritual husband to become an adulterator. So instead of being his wife, I wanna be one of those ladies. I don’t feel bad ‘cause I would never do that, but the thought is exciting.

Us faking

The Rapper kept pinching my fat thighs under the dress that I secretly wore for him. I say secretly ‘cause while he thought I was out doing something important I was really finishing up at the salon and then hurrying home to change into something sexy causal and spray myself a few times with White Tea and Ginger. This was all just to arrive at his house like “Oh, I just happen to look this beautiful on the day you invited me over”. So anyway before I was acting, he was acting. Acting like he forgot that he’d told me we would go to his next show together. So today was the day of and he invited me over then casually brought the show up (for what he pretended to be the first time) then casually asked if I wanted to go with him. Keep it real, RAPPER! So b4 the show we hung out at his house and talked and watched TV and he got ready and stuff. My plan worked ‘cause in the midst of all of this he said “I like your dress and you smell good”. Sweet success! So anyway, we lounged around until it was time for the show. As soon as we got in the car, he got the pre-show attitude that I probably should but have not grown accustom to. So everything he said to me like, turn that up or put this CD in or slow down was in like the meanest voice ever. I felt my eyes fill up with tears, but none fell. I tried to be nice ‘cause I think his nerves just get him like that. But somehow, even in my silence, he sensed something was wrong and said “I’m sorry”. Then, I loved him. But then I didn’t like the way things went at his show between us so we parted ways and we both had attitudes.

Like I always say, This Too Shall Pass

It is a wonderful feeling to be living in a sad moment but seeing the brighter future ever so clearly. The thing is even as I pray to God to heal my heart, that is so often broken to the point of physical pain especially when I hear “We Belong Together” or “Don’t Forget About Us” , I thank God simultaneously for giving me peace in knowing that this too shall pass. I went to my beauticians’ church on Sunday. It was way too long for my liking. It started at 10:30 am I left at 1”30 pm and they actually weren’t done. But anyway the one thing that he said that touched me was “There are some dead things in your life that God is about to reincarnate”. He said “It might be your finances, it might be a relationship”. I knew he meant me. I know that my relationship, not one in particular, but my relationship status, is about to be revitalized. This doesn’t mean that I am about to be back with Hero or even that I want to. It simply means that loneliness will disappear. Sometimes I find myself literally praying God to take my heart from my body ‘cause it hurts so bad. The regret is overwhelming. I regret messing up a good thing with a good man. But anyway, back to the lesson at hand…being grateful for the trials because without trials and tribulations healing and true happiness cannot be revealed. I relearned that at church Sunday too. I say relearned ‘cause of course I knew “No pain, no gain”. Cause if Mary and Martha’s brother, whose L name escapes me, hadn’t died and then been resurrected by Jesus, they wouldn’t have known the miracles of the Lord. So anyway, Hero and I engaged in a multi-hour, 60+ , text conversation last night. He had the nerve to ask me to come visit. Yeah right negroid, you just experienced one of the most important days of your life without me. His graduation was this past weekend. I think but don’t really know or care if Tyrese face was there and of course all of his friends and family. And now that’s done you think I am coming? Puhleeze! I love you but I love myself too. So anyway, like I was saying, even in my darkest most lonely hour, God has vested so much love and faith in me that I can see sunshine clearly. And I think him for that priceless peace.

The Physically Moving, Spiritual Journey

I have a lot to write about, and right now I am literally praying to God “please don’t let me forget any of it and please help me to present it in a way that I am proud of ‘cause sometimes my blog is all I got.” But in the meantime this is what I have to say…. Ok, my spiritual journey began simultaneously with the end of Hero and me. When I saw him at the theatre with Tyrese face (who I may now refer to as D-Pain, due to her strong resemblance to T-Pain “I’m in Love with a Stripper”), I felt and acted so far out of my element. I once heard somebody say, never let anyone take you out of our element, I always thought of that as excellent advice and try my best to abide by it. But when I saw him and her together I felt pain so deep that I prayed my heart to just stop beating or leave my body. So, of course that night turned into a huge ghetto fiasco. Me fighting him, me punching her, me and her fighting, Hero giving her my address, her friends going to my house, me going there to meet them , them not being there anymore. ETC, ETC! So next came, the break in (see: Stop it your scaring me). That’s when she obviously sent her family to break into my house. So then it was me feeling so upset and praying to God to help me find a new place. Then, me being angry with Hero and Tyrese face all over again even though I had being praying for forgiveness because prior to the break-in, I was the guiltiest party. If the world worked the way I wanted, I would have apologized to her because technically I had no right or reason to sucker punch her (HAHAHAHA, okay sorry). So anyway, all off this was so spiritual to me ‘cause while I didn’t want Hero back, I used sex to manipulate him and come between the two of them. Fornication is obviously a sin, which furthered the spirituality of this situation. Of course, sex lead to mixed emotions form me and I begin to become jealous. Sin again. Another way, I knew that spirits, either good or bad where moving this situation is: I prayed continuously and constantly for a miracle that would get me in a new apartment quick. And on the way to church, I found a new apartment. That was for the most part too good to be true. Now I see that my landlord / upstairs neighbor, does not believe in God and I am wondering if I belong there and if a bad spirit lead me there and if her false religion is bad news for me. This is complicated I know. So anyway, in the midst of everything, I became more and more jealous and at times outraged. This was fueled more than anything, by my deceitful addiction. (sin again) My addiction dum dum dum…I check all of Hero’s email and voicemail accounts. Literally, 25-30 times per day. This people, is how I was able to manipulate the relationship he has with Tyrese face to my liking. Whenever they were mad, I would move in closer. Whenever they were glad, I would make them mad. I played vicious games and sent them in non-stop circles. Whenever he would spend time with me, like when we went to NYC, of course I would tell her. I turned into a real evil super crazy bitch. I hated myself but I couldn’t stop. I was trying my best to take a man away form someone when I wasn’t even certain if I wanted him. So anyway, I still check his stuff but I don’t act on anything. So I have been praying to God to heal my heart and make me decide to stop checking his things. But I relapsed today. When I thought about the fact that he graduated yesterday and all of his friends and family and more than likely Tyrese face were there, I cried like for the first time this year. (Well the alone, no need to tell anybody ‘cause there is nothing that they can do kinda cry). The other spiritual incorporation of the mess is the fact that I can’t go to my favorite church ‘cause I don’t wanna see Hero, his friends or his family. Now if this ain’t the devil what is? How I am going to pray to god to help me deal with the Hero situation when the Hero situation is keeping me form God. Twisted and tangled, I know.

I'm tired of writing about men

Before we start, let’s pray. “Lord, God, help me to have other things on my mind. Help me to keep my blog creative and wide- breadth, after I write this about a “man”, next time and for many times to come, let my blog incorporate the many other intricate parts of my life. Amen.”

“Hey (insert The Rappers’ name here), taste this, it tastes so good” That’s what this superbly dirty slut had to say just to interrupt a meaningless conversation that The Rapper and I were having at a nightclub. Bitch, sit the fuck down before I smack your denim vest wearing ass. Then, his dirty ass drank some of the whores’ cheap drink. I mean really who has umbrellas in there drink in the nightclub? I know who won’t have to worry about kissing me anytime soon. Anybody that drinks after a weave-head horse, that’s who. So anyway yeah, as me and him partook in idle and not-so-idle chat, this dumb-dumb kept coming over with excuses to interrupt. So finally I’m like yeah well see you later. Then I purposely left in the middle of his performance and I made sure he could see me leaving. So, it is true, watched pots don’t boil. Cause every time I am away from my phone, that’s when he calls and when I did not expect him to be there he was there and he was performing. He also invited me to his upcoming show. But he invited horse-hair vest-girl too. So, I ain’t going. Unless I go with him and feel like his right hand girl like I used to. I think he genuinely has no understanding of words. !!Wow revelation!! Since he is a rapper by day and by night and by all hours in between maybe his perspective of words IS actually distorted. Because he will just say stuff with no intentions of following up. Just like as soon as I said, “I am only going to the show if I can go with you” and he said “Yeah. that’s cool”. This ain’t no damn song, nigga this is my life!” So anyway even though I had on a new shirt new jewelry and new hair, if I would have known he would be there I would have done better. So our club encounter was platonic almost to the point of meaningless and I am sad about that and we haven’t talked since.

Jerk Move

He read it. He deleted it. He didn't reply. He didn't put it in the "crazy bitch" folder that he has set aside just for me. Ask me how I know, come on, come on, ask me how I know!! I guess he has absolutley no love for me. I hope he remembers that when he comes home and misses it.

I really sent him this

Dear Hero,
I have been thinking a lot about you lately. Every time I think about you, I always feel like I need to be 100% honest with you and just stop faking and or playing games cause I often find myself doing that we try to hang out or make out. I think then that some of the issues that still weigh heavily on my heart will find themselves resolved. So here is an attempt at that. When I do think about you, it is the old us more than anything. But sometimes it is still your entire person that I miss and not just the old times or your old ways. And whenever things happen in my life you still come to mind damned near first, after family. I do want you to know that I don’t harbor any bad feelings towards you anymore. I have forgiven you for everything that you have done. I do hope on some days that when the new you becomes complete and you become the Hero that I loved but even more lovable because you have grown I will be around. Being without you has forced me to grow a lot. The mistakes that I made with us have also forced me to grow. You remember how I would feel like I needed a big change. Well Friday, I cut my hair off. So I am back to your bald-head baby. After I did that I thought so much about you when I was looking in the mirror because of course it reminded me of the old me. It reminded me of how I used to be, so then on my way home from the salon, I saw you. I don’t know if you saw me but I thought wow how weird was that! So to make a long story short;, I still have love for you and some days, I miss us. At any rate, I hope that all things are going well with you and if they aren’t know that you are always in my prayers. And I hope all goes well with this final semester. Congrats on graduation!