The Physically Moving, Spiritual Journey

I have a lot to write about, and right now I am literally praying to God “please don’t let me forget any of it and please help me to present it in a way that I am proud of ‘cause sometimes my blog is all I got.” But in the meantime this is what I have to say…. Ok, my spiritual journey began simultaneously with the end of Hero and me. When I saw him at the theatre with Tyrese face (who I may now refer to as D-Pain, due to her strong resemblance to T-Pain “I’m in Love with a Stripper”), I felt and acted so far out of my element. I once heard somebody say, never let anyone take you out of our element, I always thought of that as excellent advice and try my best to abide by it. But when I saw him and her together I felt pain so deep that I prayed my heart to just stop beating or leave my body. So, of course that night turned into a huge ghetto fiasco. Me fighting him, me punching her, me and her fighting, Hero giving her my address, her friends going to my house, me going there to meet them , them not being there anymore. ETC, ETC! So next came, the break in (see: Stop it your scaring me). That’s when she obviously sent her family to break into my house. So then it was me feeling so upset and praying to God to help me find a new place. Then, me being angry with Hero and Tyrese face all over again even though I had being praying for forgiveness because prior to the break-in, I was the guiltiest party. If the world worked the way I wanted, I would have apologized to her because technically I had no right or reason to sucker punch her (HAHAHAHA, okay sorry). So anyway, all off this was so spiritual to me ‘cause while I didn’t want Hero back, I used sex to manipulate him and come between the two of them. Fornication is obviously a sin, which furthered the spirituality of this situation. Of course, sex lead to mixed emotions form me and I begin to become jealous. Sin again. Another way, I knew that spirits, either good or bad where moving this situation is: I prayed continuously and constantly for a miracle that would get me in a new apartment quick. And on the way to church, I found a new apartment. That was for the most part too good to be true. Now I see that my landlord / upstairs neighbor, does not believe in God and I am wondering if I belong there and if a bad spirit lead me there and if her false religion is bad news for me. This is complicated I know. So anyway, in the midst of everything, I became more and more jealous and at times outraged. This was fueled more than anything, by my deceitful addiction. (sin again) My addiction dum dum dum…I check all of Hero’s email and voicemail accounts. Literally, 25-30 times per day. This people, is how I was able to manipulate the relationship he has with Tyrese face to my liking. Whenever they were mad, I would move in closer. Whenever they were glad, I would make them mad. I played vicious games and sent them in non-stop circles. Whenever he would spend time with me, like when we went to NYC, of course I would tell her. I turned into a real evil super crazy bitch. I hated myself but I couldn’t stop. I was trying my best to take a man away form someone when I wasn’t even certain if I wanted him. So anyway, I still check his stuff but I don’t act on anything. So I have been praying to God to heal my heart and make me decide to stop checking his things. But I relapsed today. When I thought about the fact that he graduated yesterday and all of his friends and family and more than likely Tyrese face were there, I cried like for the first time this year. (Well the alone, no need to tell anybody ‘cause there is nothing that they can do kinda cry). The other spiritual incorporation of the mess is the fact that I can’t go to my favorite church ‘cause I don’t wanna see Hero, his friends or his family. Now if this ain’t the devil what is? How I am going to pray to god to help me deal with the Hero situation when the Hero situation is keeping me form God. Twisted and tangled, I know.