Today ain't brown, it's rainy!

What a rainy day in my city. I should have wore my new rain boots then maybe I would be really fly and not hate the rain so much. But I wore suede Diesel boots ‘cause I never watch the weather. I’ve been living like a gypsy. Sleeping here and there ‘cause I basically live in three places. My old house, my new house and my mom’s house. I planned on today being the big move day but like I said, it's raining. Damn it I wish I could blog on “The Rapper”. I think I am going to ask him about that later. Anyway, I sent Hero a song via voicemail. Aaliyah’s “I miss you”. The words are so ultra-fitting. I kinda miss him. Maybe I just miss his action. But anyway, I am almost totally back on top of my school game. Actually, I can say that I am on top of it. Except I have a webpage due today, that I haven’t finished. But I’ll email it to my professor tonight or tomorrow. I should be doing it now, in fact, I'm in that class now. And, he is giving us time to work on them. Oh well. I can't work under proper work conditions. I can only be productive when I do things on my own time. Deadlines discourage me. Shit, I wanna leave this class and go to the daycare- where I work. Thats like my haven. We just laugh and play and eat all day. OKay , I'm outta here!

The Air Force One!

The man of my dreams called me. Out of the blue! I love him. Seriously, he is the only person in the world that I believe I could love as much or probably more than Hero. He lives in Texas now. Hopefully by giving him an official browndays name, he will become an official part of my life. Let’s call him “The MVP” So anyway, yeah, he called. I haven’t talked to him in maybe a little less than a year. I don’t know. I had the biggest crush ever on him back in high school. But I didn’t know that then. I didn’t know until the day I called his house and his mom was like ““The MVP” went to the military, he doesn’t live here anymore”. My heart dropped like I was on a freaking roller coaster. I couldn’t fathom why he had done something so drastic. So anyway, this was back in 1999. Okay, after that we wrote a few letters back and forth but then he went out of the country and my letter came back. So like last Christmas ‘04, I saw his friends in the club and they gave me his number. I called immediately, in the middle of the night. He answered and was delighted that it was me. We talked a lot after that but then suddenly he stopped taking my calls and didn’t call me. But before this hiatus we did a lot of catching up and he sounded like he was doing really well. I was bummed to find out that he had been married and divorced. But no kids! That made me happy ‘cause I wanna birth his JR. But anyway, he went on an unexplained hiatus. I remember this year on spring break in ATL, I got drunk and left him a drunken msg. in the middle of the night. I hate drunken stupors (after they are over). So back to the lecture at hand. He called me yesterday and we talked and caught up and I smiled like I hit Powerball. He kept asking if I had anything interesting going on, I was sad that I didn’t have much impressive to say. He told me he does a computer thing in the military now and he was planning to buy his first house really soon. Slow down MVP, wait for me, your wife. No really though, he is doing well, staying active he said. He was always really muscular and sexy. But still small framed like I love. So he said he is coming home for Christmas this year. I gotta get in fucking shape before then. I cannot eat all the turkey day food ‘cause he is my newest project. Really, he knocks ‘em all out of the box. We just click like *can’t find the words to describe* Even though we talk like once every blue moon we have great conversations. We both are excited to see Saw II, we talked about how much we loved the first one. He’s a movie buff just like me. So I gotta get on a diet, grow my hair back like a little past my shoulders (I just got it cut to shoulder length this month) and get all of my ducks in a row. So anybody with any advice about how to lock down a high school crush turned military MAN, let me know. Seriously, if he called today and asked me to come visit or even fuck it come live with him - I’d walk to the Lone Star state no questions asked!

Do what I do!

Get the same CD's as me if you think I'm cool. Twista, it'll make something pop off. And buy Ebony Eyez, most of these songs are the shit. I like #7, Act Like A Bitch. 'Cause I can do that. Gat David Banner too, if you wanna get crunk. In case you haven't noticed, I haven't written about the rapper, especially in detail, for a while. The truth is, he asked me not to. He thinks it could be detrimental to his career. Anyway, even though, he'll never know, I am sticking to my word. So if you wondered what's happening with him ... I can't tell you.

I went to church but Hero's going to hell!

Sunday was supposed to be a good day for me. I went to church. Every scripture the pastor covered was already highlighted in my bible. I knew that was a sign. Plus, we talked about finding our spiritual gifts. (The same thing I heard last Sunday, but I was at a different church). Anyway, Friday, I found out that Tyrese-face was the one who tried to break in my house. Well not her, but her family. Long story, so I think Hero was in on it. Can you believe this is the path my life has taken? Now, I have to go thru a process of pressing charges. But I never wanna talk to Hero again. That’s been the plan b4 but I still always had an underlying desire to talk and or be with him. Now I don’t at all.

Is this happening?

Does God really punish people? For what? Why? Why am I convinced that I have no interest in Hero. But I cried over him today 'cause he is going to visit Tyrese face. Why do I care? Why do I care? Why do I care? I have no idea. Can love really make you cry over somebody you don't even like anymore? Maybe I want him. Fuck it I give up. Kill me now please!

I Saw A Cow Running

I went to visit Hero. For some reason, I rode the train this time. On the way home, I saw a cow running. And momentarily, I was jealous. Between home and Hero, I had to have seen hundreds of cows. Black, brown, tan, white, spotted, all black with white heads, some sleeping and some gazing. But only one was in motion; the cow that I saw running. I wondered what the cow was running to. Usually, I am not into nature. I don’t like animals, plants, bugs or even flowers eww eww eww. But all I had on the train to keep my mind of this mistake I had just made was nature. And my iPOD, which I had already went thru a time and a half. But anyway, I think that cow was happy. It has to be something good to make one cow out of 100’s run. I wished I was moving quickly towards something good like that cow. But I wasn’t. Behind me was the love of my life, who had just proven to me that I didn’t love him anymore. He’d also proven he didn’t love me anymore. Or maybe we do love each other. But that’s it. And love ain’t enough. ‘Cause nothing else was there. Sex, silence, sex, silence. Nothing existed between except a few arguments, fewer laughs and quick calls to the rapper that I would sneak in whenever I could 'cause I was convinced he kjept leaving to talk to Tyrese face. Ahead of me was 6 day late rent, and a 20 day late car note. Plus 6 missed classes. I overspent on the trip and overslept and missed my Sunday train. So now, I’m on my way back on Monday evening to face all of the sacrifices I made and the priorities I neglected just to see Hero. All for nothing. Damn, damn, damn! I feel like that stupid bitch that I never understood; the one who seems to indulge in heartbreaking situations. I let Hero rob me of some self-worth, and I knew he would even before I went. When I get home, I am gonna pay my tithes and get back in my Christian groove. Then I won’t feel guilty about praying on money. I always end up in sticky situations and run back to God, looking stupid. I told Hero, when he kept begging me to come, that he had to treat me better than he did in NYC. He promised he would. Liar. Can’t blame him though, ‘cause I feel for it. Never again - that’s the plan for now. Soon, like the cow I saw runnin, my pastures should be greener.

One called opened the flood-gates of love

Me and Hero have been talking like crazy. It's like we both had all of this "I miss you" built up and now we can't reist talking. He wants me to come and visit. At first I thought it was a good idea, but now I don’t. But, turns out I can’t afford to go this weekend anyway. Even though I have the feeling he is gong to call and offer to front the bill. We had some really important conversations about our relationship. Still feel insecure about the other girl though. Before he and I got back in good, I was beginning to move on. I convinced myself that after 5 years of blood, sweat and tears, I shouldn’t have to compete with a new ugly ho. And that I should stop dwelling on her extreme level of unattractiveness, because evidently something about her has him going. But at any rate, I never wanna feel second around him. And sometimes I do, like maybe he’d rather be with her. But at any rate, I hope for the best with us now. I hope that I can forget about her and just be me and just let his love for me push her out of the picture. That is opposed to me setting him and or her up for destruction. Trust me, I am totally capable. Revenge is, okay should be, my middle name.

I thought I loved netflix.

I am forever finding a site that blows my mind huh? This is crazy. It seems perfect for me but for some reason, I think I'll pass. But maybe you'll find it worthy of your patronage. Has the world really reached it's maximum materialistic level or has the smart idea how'd you think of that thing hit the jackpot?

Got a blesing, now where's my gift?

Hallelujah. Everytime I am right by God, my blessing are instant and obvious. So guess what, on my way to church, I found a new apartment. Praise the Lord Saints. Church was good, even though I didn’t have my little church notebook that I take great pride in keeping organized. But that’s okay. I enjoyed the sermon. We read from Isaiah 6:1-8. This scripture related to ministry and to being unholy in the presence of holiness. The preacher said that if you surrendered yourself to God, He can and will use you in the most magnificent ways. I hope that God uses me. I don’t know if I am surrendered fully to the Lord. I hope so, but I doubt it ‘cause I’m usually sinning in one way or another. I’m not bragging. I realized today at church (when the pastor was talking about being in the midst of unholy people) that I sin sometimes for that exact reason. I sometimes think the world is so bad that I may as well indulge. That’s a horrible way to think. I also wondered what my gift was. The preacher said that everybody has a gift and that if you let God “arrest” your soul, and used your gift to His glory, you would find fulfillment. We celebrated all of the October birthdays during service. This one lady turned 102 today. WOW! If I live to be that old, I definitely wanna do it with the Lord. Shoot, that’s probably the only way to live a century plus 2. I wasn’t totally focused at church today, I thought about my new place and about some other stuff. Every time my mind strayed I prayed to stay on track. I guess I just gotta get back in the church groove. Maybe after a few good Sundays, maybe a message from the Holy Spirit and releasing some of my bad feelings towards certain people, I’ll find my gift.

DID i WIN OR DID i LOSE?

I was so unprepared when my phone rang and it was Hero. I was so shocked that I forgot I wasn’t supposed to answer his calls for like two weeks. That was supposed to be my retaliation since he had went one day short of two weeks without calling me. But he called and I answered. What? I didn’t want everybody at Best Buy staring at my Prada wondering why it was singing. Admittedly, I was excited to hear his ringer. But hearing his voice turned out to be so anticlimactic. The conversation lasted like 5 minutes. He mostly asked how things were with me. I didn’t ask any questions. I played him real dry like a toasted desert. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t try to pull any under-hand lets stay on the phone longer moves. Then when we hung up, I felt like that might have been my cue to call him later or say I miss him or question his rude ass hiatus. But I didn’t. ‘Cause I don’t care. The only option that exists between me and Hero is a mutual apology and a consensus to put the past behind us and just be back in love instantly. All of those other games, rendezvous’, tears and stress - I'm gonna have to say the nay-no!