I AM THE PROTOTYPE!
My days are in a daze!
Friday, April 24
I love looking back. I spend so much time remembering. I can be in the middle of anything and a memory flashes through my mind, causing a slight reaction. Usually a chuckle, but sometimes momentary sadness. Whichever, I still love to remember. It seems to me that nothing is clear when I'm living it. But in retrospect, everything fits perfectly and makes sense. Fun times seem meaningless in the present. But in the future, I realize that was a moment when I was experiencing true happiness and often a moment when I was growing closer to someone.
God Is Tryna Tell Me Something
God and I communicate quite often and quite well. He is constantly revealing things to me. Things about life, people and myself. So one day, I was, in essence, daydreaming about my future. The daydream eventually became a prayer and I was asking God for a few things, all at once. A big house, a great job and my long thick hair that I had a few years back. And no sooner than I prayed for these things, did a verse come to me. I can't quote it directly but it says something along these lines: ''How can I trust you with a lot, when you fail with a little?''. And I knew that God wanted change for me. And I thought about how I treated my current state. I used to tithe faithfully. That fell off. I treat my hair like crap. Seriously. Whatever is convenient at the moment, I do. I don't have a regime, I'm not picky about products and against my own better judgement, I'm constantly abusing my hair with that nasty nasty glue. So God is basically letting me know right now, today, I don't deserve better. I can't let dishes pile ceiling high in this kitchen while simultaneously praying for a stainless steel fridge and an island range. Its illogical and not going to happen, according to the bible. God wants me to do better for me and by him. I NEED to serve him in all that I do and appreciate and honor each and every one of my blessings. Its not easy to live that way, especially in today's world but what's right is never easy. I need to prepare myself for my blessings. Right Jesus?
Thursday, March 12
Nights like this I wish...
There was more time 'cause I have so much to say.
I pray Gods know Im grateful. He has blessed me beyond measure. His mercy is unyielding. I love u so much God, even in the valleys.
I'm so glad for discernment, perception and faith. I know my time is coming. I've seen things come and I've seen them go. People too. But its always all full circle for the better.
I'm praying my past doesn't come back to haunt me.
Ah yeah, I wish u were here. Any of you. I can't really choose. GOODNIGHT
I pray Gods know Im grateful. He has blessed me beyond measure. His mercy is unyielding. I love u so much God, even in the valleys.
I'm so glad for discernment, perception and faith. I know my time is coming. I've seen things come and I've seen them go. People too. But its always all full circle for the better.
I'm praying my past doesn't come back to haunt me.
Ah yeah, I wish u were here. Any of you. I can't really choose. GOODNIGHT
Tuesday, January 13
Numerology
This has to be one of the most random blogs I've written lately. But it makes total sense (to me, lol). So, per facebook, I have been seeing SO many unattractive and or unlikely couples. Which got me to thinking, am I the only one who's still in it for looks? I mean damn people. Where are your standards? Don't get me wrong, I am far from conceited and even further from perfect. I am however, a realist. Which is how and why I am completely aware of the fact that I am somewhere between a 5 and a 7. All things considered. And as a direct result, I only date 8's and up. Because, on their best day couples should come together and create a strong 15! So why then are 5's dating 4's. That ish does not add up. People, we have future babies, photo opportunities and public outings to consider. I know there are situations where personality proceeds or outshines looks but damn...not that often. I have dated someone who was text book ugly but the way he moved totally took up for the physicalaties. However he was still hella ugly and I knew that. I wouldn't dare be cheesing all on my profile pic with him. And I definitely would not have his babies. Wait, I'm rethinking this as I write it. Perhaps, because I love him so much, I would make him my husband and my baby daddy. But, I would never deny his level of unattractiveness. And I feel like that's what a lot of people do when they go public with their relationships. It's like ''look what I got'' while pointing to your chicken pox. I mean it's tight that you get to miss school but I don't want that crap for real. I'm not advocating shallowness, I am simply encouraging discretionary behaviors. Be picky. You're worth it. And if your not, that's even more reason to date attractive people. You don't want your relationship to be a double negative. Now I realize my technique seems slightly confusing because what 1O wants to date a 5 right? Well that's why we should all do our absolute best to be 6's. That way you only have to shoot for 9's. Which is totally possible. Keep in mind this person may not be a total 9. They may be a 7 or an 8 on their regular day, which totally increases the chance that they would date a 6. In the extreme case where you feel it is impossible for your rating to exceed a 4, you have a few options. The first is to be bisexual and date both a male and a female 4 and become a strong 16. Date another 4 (or less), and be so ugly together that no one will notice. Or if you luck up, date that 10 but just don't take any profile pictures where you are that chcken pox scab.
Sunday, January 4
Suddenness
Suddenly it started.
We met
We liked
We loved
We tried
We failed
We stayed
We left
We returned
We quit.
Suddenly it ended.
We met
We liked
We loved
We tried
We failed
We stayed
We left
We returned
We quit.
Suddenly it ended.
Saturday, January 3
I can't sleep for thinking of you
Late, past the midnight hour and I can't help but think of you. I miss you so much. Especially when the day is done and all I have is me. I wonder where you are, what you're doing, who you're with, how you're doing and more than anything, I wonder if you're thinking of me. Ever? Do you even remember me? And what we had? And how we did? I think about us often. And smile. I cannot close my eyes and dream of you 'cause I'm too busy thinking of you. I miss laughing and smiling with you. And the way you calmed me down for better or worse. All the jokes and the way you touched me. I love you. Sometimes I saw a future for us. Even though you were already married to the streets and I had what I consider bigger and better plans I had a place for you in my heart. I can't help but wonder what could have been. Or could be?
Tuesday, December 30
Break my heart
I vow to never let it break for me
But for your troubles ...
Its on my sleeve
I give you my heart-break
Unselfishley
So often, daily almost.
Heart break creeps close.
I see it in family
And in friends.
Relationships end
before they begin.
He cheated on her
Cause she lied to him
She wants him back
Regardless of the fact
that he insists he's done
She still insists that she's the one
Loved ones dying
Mostly from cancer
Nah mostly from violence
I cry at the funerals
But never for me
Cause the heart-break isn't mine
Well not today, not this time
Its my neighbors
or a strangers,my man's or my girl
I let my heart break for the world
But for your troubles ...
Its on my sleeve
I give you my heart-break
Unselfishley
So often, daily almost.
Heart break creeps close.
I see it in family
And in friends.
Relationships end
before they begin.
He cheated on her
Cause she lied to him
She wants him back
Regardless of the fact
that he insists he's done
She still insists that she's the one
Loved ones dying
Mostly from cancer
Nah mostly from violence
I cry at the funerals
But never for me
Cause the heart-break isn't mine
Well not today, not this time
Its my neighbors
or a strangers,my man's or my girl
I let my heart break for the world
The Big O is a Big No
There is no way to sugar coat this, so I'll just say it. I am afraid to orgasm. That lack of control scares me to no end. Why? Idk..lol. Maybe because I worry alot about how I look and sound when I'm in the act. I don't wanna frown up or growl or something even worse. That couldn't be the only reason though. 'Cause if that were the case I would masturbate and orgasm in private. But I don't, in fact, I never have. Isn't that crazy? I'm a very sexual person. I don't need a lot of sex. But I need good sex. When I'm not with someone I rarely if ever, get horny. But when I am with someone, I like it often and dirty. So the fact that I don't crave, seek or enjoy orgasms is baffling. It has to be deeper than just image right? I think deep down, I don't feel i deserve orgasms.
Racism
I can't remember the circumstances but I was completing a form back in high school. One of the questions read ''immediate family / household members''. So, slightly confused, I asked ''should I list my sister, who doesn't live in the same house''. To which the white administer replied ''you don't have to worry about listing any cousins or people like that that may live with you.'' CRAZY!
Wednesday, December 24
it's hard but i can't get mad
I had to remind myself yesterday of one of my personal rules. '' ALL OF MY CHOICES ARE MY OWN '' This doesn't mean people can't do things that affect my life, it's just that I have to take responsibility for letting them do it and also for the way I react. So now that I'm dead broke and over my head in debt...I can't get angry that my friend who owes me money isn't giving it to me. Even if I know she has it's because we went to the mall yesterday. Where she shopped 'til she dropped. While I was unable to buy anything. What is even further shocking is the way she asks what my plan is for my lack of finances with what I truly believe is genuine concern. Its crazy, I know. But I must remember had I never LET her owe me money she couldn't owe me money. So I can only be mad at myself. Lesson learned.