Random Ramblings

Random Ramblings

Maybe I should stop blogging. Things just aren’t how they used to be. I mean I literally watched my great uncle die the other day and somehow I am still under-inspired to create a deep, meaningful, creative, interesting blog like I used to. That’s sad. All I have are these ramblings, like how I miss Hero some days. Like today; I wanna hear his voice so bad. In all honesty, I have a secret, well five variations of one secret that would literally set this blog on fire. Juicy as hell. In fact, it is a secret that would probably heal my heart for good when it comes to Hero. A) He would never talk to me again, so the back and forth would no longer and B) Revealing the secret would cause change that would stop me from my addictive self-inflicting heartbreak. Now, back to my blog and my apathy towards it maybe if I could write about The Rapper, that would cause some interest, but I try to stay away from that. I really hope Hero isn’t having a baby. That would suck so badly for him and make me too sad. I decided that I will more than likely stay here in town after I graduate and go to a local university for grad school since the major corporation where I’ll be working will pay for it. So on with the ramblings that I mentioned earlier. I have to go to court tomorrow and I can’t find the jacket to the suit that I really wanna wear. So much stuff disappears in my house, I think someone is stealing. How can brand new clothes disappear? I don’t know. I am going to party tonight; I think The Rapper will be there. I hope so, even though my hair isn’t done and my outfit isn’t slamming. But at least hopefully, I’ll see him and he’ll notice my little weight loss. Everyone else is. But I don’t think I lost my three pounds this week. I hope so, other wise I will get a strike on the “Fat-Azz three strike board” And only have two left before my trainer kicks me out of the class. I think Hero just told me he was about to be a statistical broke black unmarried babies father so I would get off his back and Tyrese face could come to the graduation. I hope that’s why. ‘Cause I didn’t wanna go anyway.

Words to live by

Why did I get near and dear to over emotional last night when I watched Countdown to Lockdown? I don’t know ‘cause mot only did she (Lil Kim ) really get locked up back in September but that episode came on last week too. So anyway, she is in some ways an idol for me. It’s like I can feel her struggle, don’t know why, our lives are really different but I love her for being her., That may sound weird because she has been under the cosmetic knife a million times, but hey, to each her own, So anyway, I think the fact that I am lonely added to my sadness. I texted Hero, but he did not reply. I really wanted to hear his voice. But he ain;t call either. What a jerk. So anyway for the first time in my life, I am on a man mission. I never seriously put any thought time and or effort into looking for a man. The only two guys that I have ever genuinely liked and considered a future with were so by chance. Well I have two and a half weeks of school left. Counting down cause I am like soo tired of getting up at 7 am. That’s not including the days I am up at 4:35 to go workout. This is a big part of my get a man scheme. I’m about to be slim and trim. Speaking of which one of my old friends slash new enemies called me asking did I know a good work out place, I am like uh…no! HAHAHA! I guess she thinks we are cool or something. How about no? Even though I am working out with possibly the best trainer in the city I wouldn’t tell her to save t he life of a small child. Unless of course, I knew the child. So anyway I had a small revelation, well I always knew this but it hit me hard the other night. I HATE PEOPLE WITH LOW OR NO SELF-ESTEEM. It is almost unfathomable to me how one person could truly not like his or her self. What are your other options? No matter what you do or how you act you are still you. Even after makeovers and surgeries and reinvention, God only gave us one us, and that’s the way it is. Now I have been thru ups and downs and I have my good days and bad, I may even have real psychological issues, particularly relating to Hero and revenge and or jealousy. But never because I don’t like me. I love me and if I don’t who will? That’s sounds so cliché but it is so true, ‘cause until the day you die, all you have is you. Plus what in the world can ever make anybody better than me? Anything you can do I can do better. Seriously. I see it a lot in class, people clamming up big time when they are put on the spot. I’m like you big fucking dummy, everybody in here was accepted on the same basis as you and are all at the exact same stage in life as you so why would you let them intimidate you. That’s annoying as hell. So that’s two little slogans I have thrown out there “No one will love you until you first love yourself and Anything you can do I can do better” So the third and final slogan for this blog is what I have recently chosen as my life’s motto “This too shall pass’. When I sit down and ponder these words, I realize how often I remind myself of just that to get thru my day. From the turmoil’s of Hero, to school, to stomach aches, to stress, all things shall pass. It’s like every time I am in the middle of something bad, I am always thinking, THIS IS NEVER GOING TO END. But then it does and I’m like wow, that wasn’t so bad. Nothing is forever. I guess that has an ugly side as well. Cause the good times shall pass too but can remain as memories for as long as I choose. But bad times, even really bad times, shall pass and hopefully be forgotten. Even when someone close to you dies, you think you’ll be the saddest person in the world for the rest of your life and slowly but surely you heal. You may begin to think of them less or maybe you always think of them, but that initial blow and that ultimate sadness, shall pass. If all things in your life don’t pass, you are probably one of those low self-esteem people that I hate and you should seek help. But then again, maybe the low self-esteem shall too pass.

Viente Tres

'Cause I am 23 and cause its been 23 days since I wrote

1. Haven’t really talked to Hero….don’t know if he is a babies daddy!
2. Back in touch with The Rapper… was loving that…mad at him at this moment
3. Have a 95% in math…killing ‘em
4. Have a 455 / 500 in Spanish….thank you Jesus
5. 100% sure I am graduating in August
6. but I gotta come up with $1, 000 to pay for summer school
7. Decided to go to grad school
8. Workout EVERYDAY (except Sunday), totally can see changes in my body
9. Might be going on tour with The Rapper
10. Generally happy
11. Was hospitalized for food poisoning *pukes in mouth at thought of Qdoba*
12. Had 2 talk 2 1 of my old friends slash new enemies to tell her about a death
13. Proposal for crimes committed: “Drop the carrying a concealed weapon, plead guilty and pay fine for DTP, 2 years probation, 2 year ban from mall and a theft class for the necklace”
14. Fuck no, my attorney better get on her J-O-B cause I love the mall too much
15. Don’t wanna work at the major corp. when I graduate but everyone else wants me to so I haven’t said anything
16. Thighs are sore from working out
17. Saw ATL twice, got jealous on the sex scenes
    
18. bought a ticket 4 the TI concert, 1 ticket, going solo, looking forward to it
19. Anxious to see Scary Movie 3
20. I’m “Tuma” @ workout class cause “U look like u got a big ass fuckin tumor”
21. I know one of the 8.5 million dollar Powerball winners
22. Realized Easter is weird if you aren’t a kid and don’t have any kids
23. Bought my first adult toy, some gummy flavored ring things